Tag Archives: zombies

“cabin in the woods” takes the horror genre for a spin

When I first saw the poster for Cabin in the Woods, I immediately expected another cookie-cutter horror movie. There’s been a trend in Hollywood of passing off supposed “horror movies.” Flicks that center on a group of Abercrombie & Fitch-type beautiful people. If you’re a true horror fan, then you know exactly the kind of garbage I’m talking about. The shame is that I’d actually love to see these airheads get butchered. I never bothered watching them because I know some gutless director will decide that right when the chainsaw is about to give Biff his worst haircut, it’ll be the perfect time for the camera to pull away. What kind of shit is this? I want to see buckets of blood and dump trucks of guts colliding with busloads school children then sprayed with a flamethrower. A lot of these new movies fail to fill in this void for me.

Looks legit.

So I passed up Cabin in the Woods and filed it in my head somewhere near, “I’ll need to take a shit later.” Later, I heard from some reliable sources (my two stoner sisters and a friend) that Cabin in the Woods is chicken wings dipped in mescaline. Could it be, a new horror movie that doesn’t completely suck balls? I was hesitant, but I decided to roll the die and push play.

“So you’re saying we’re all cliches and going to die?”

Cabin in the Woods opens up like a textbook generic not-scary, scary movie. A group of college students are preparing for a trip into the woods and you can point out their characters: “the jock,” “the slutty girl,” “the shy girl,” “the loveable stoner”–you get the picture. And off they go off in their RV. While all this is going on, there are some scenes of corporate douchebags up to something that gives you the feeling of Resident Evil’s Umbrella with The Office’s work staff. The group of college students reach the cabin and proceed to do what all college students do in every scary movie. The whole thing feels like such a worn-out cliché that I’m wondering if I didn’t get led astray. Then—the hot steamy shit hit the fan and sprayed all over my face!

“We need some horny, boozed up college students. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”

During the entire “shit spraying phase,” I kept shouting, “This is so fucking cool!” Even my wife, who absolutely hates horror movies, had to ran into the living room (without a sandwich and beer, I’m still working on that) and actually watched the rest of the movie. I really got to hand it to the writer/director team, Joss Whedon (Dollhouse) and Drew Goddard (Buffy the Vampire Slayer). They understand not only what makes an awesome monster, slasher flick, but also satirize the whole “not scary, scary movie” trend in a surprisingly intelligent and effective way. The standout performance by stoner guy, Franz Kranz, and his “blunt” weapon of choice was hilarious. And, oh, man, the motorcycle scene is sure to inspire plenty of pointing and laughing.

Gotta pick the right tool for the job when dealing with undead.

I hope Cabin in the Woods is a smash hit in DVD sales so that the other writers and directors can finally get the memo that we don’t need another Scream/Twilight piece of shit. Since when did “cool” become “uncool” or the other way around? This movie settles the question and writes it in stone, “cool is fucking cool,” and don’t let anyone tell you different. Rent this movie, invite some friends over, bust out the collapsible bong, and have a have a kick-ass movie night. I’m definitely looking forward to more imaginative horror flicks like this one.

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Blubber Island Survival Guide

Several of my friends and other brave souls have recently stepped ashore Blubber Island. They have entered a dangerous world in which nobody can guarantee their safety. As the author of this work, I feel somewhat responsible for the countless people (this includes you) who will end up deranged, scarfing down handfuls of their own “caca” [Latin for feces]. This realization troubled me greatly. “But Ismael,” you ask, “why don’t you just pull Blubber Island off shelves and ask everyone to stop reading it?”

Perish the thought, I say.

In order to tip the scales in favor of “not eating caca,” I decided to write an official “Blubber Island Survival Guide.” Blubber Island is a vast universe encompassing countless dimensions and worlds. It would be impossible and impractical to try and cram everything in one shot, thus I will instead focus on key elements. Follow these guidelines and you might make it out alive.

This is perfectly natural. (winsomeaunt.blogspot.com)

Exploding Heads are a natural phenomenon on Blubber Island. The postman could be handing you a letter from your friend in Monkeys Eyebrow, KY, and then you’ll make some offhand remark like, “Hey, my neighbor is sort of an asshole. You think I could fart into one of his letters?” The guy gives you a funny look and BAM! The mailman’s head blow up like pumpkin stuffed with cherry bombs. Whatever you do, do not stop and try to figure out why it happened. Just accept it and move on. There have been reports of chain reaction head explosions. Why risk it?

Think of an exploding head as a traffic light turning green. Head blows up, you move forward. Simple.

I’m sorry family, I wanna live! (all-funny.info)

Blubber Island is inhabited by flesh eating zombies. Exercise all traditional zombie survival tactics such as; keeping a sharp ear, running away instead of fighting, and abandoning infected/slower traveling companions (see Image of father above). Occasionally, zombies will seem to appear without warning. Be on guard for zombies bursting out of the ground or falling out of the blue sky. Much like exploding heads, don’t think run. The following film clip is for educational purposes.

Now wasn’t that easy? He made it and so can you.

They’re not doing any good just lying around. (tucsoncitizen.com)

Another natural phenomenon is the abundant presence of guns. On Blubber Island, they seem to pop up in the strangest places. But you can’t just reach into a bush and pull out AK-47. The rules of karma are that you must put some degree of effort into it. Think outside the box and look for secret compartments. If those zombies chase you into a kitchen, it wouldn’t hurt to check the refrigerator (if you get my drift). All guns come equipped with two things: unlimited ammo and unlimited bad guys. Learn to shoot while running at a full sprint, and I recommend learning from the pros.

They definitely read this blog.

This is a good crash course in dealing with the chaotic Blubber Island universe. I will continue updating the survival guide. Hope to see you next time. Keep your finger on the trigger and always aim for the head.