When I first saw the poster for Cabin in the Woods, I immediately expected another cookie-cutter horror movie. There’s been a trend in Hollywood of passing off supposed “horror movies.” Flicks that center on a group of Abercrombie & Fitch-type beautiful people. If you’re a true horror fan, then you know exactly the kind of garbage I’m talking about. The shame is that I’d actually love to see these airheads get butchered. I never bothered watching them because I know some gutless director will decide that right when the chainsaw is about to give Biff his worst haircut, it’ll be the perfect time for the camera to pull away. What kind of shit is this? I want to see buckets of blood and dump trucks of guts colliding with busloads school children then sprayed with a flamethrower. A lot of these new movies fail to fill in this void for me.
So I passed up Cabin in the Woods and filed it in my head somewhere near, “I’ll need to take a shit later.” Later, I heard from some reliable sources (my two stoner sisters and a friend) that Cabin in the Woods is chicken wings dipped in mescaline. Could it be, a new horror movie that doesn’t completely suck balls? I was hesitant, but I decided to roll the die and push play.
Cabin in the Woods opens up like a textbook generic not-scary, scary movie. A group of college students are preparing for a trip into the woods and you can point out their characters: “the jock,” “the slutty girl,” “the shy girl,” “the loveable stoner”–you get the picture. And off they go off in their RV. While all this is going on, there are some scenes of corporate douchebags up to something that gives you the feeling of Resident Evil’s Umbrella with The Office’s work staff. The group of college students reach the cabin and proceed to do what all college students do in every scary movie. The whole thing feels like such a worn-out cliché that I’m wondering if I didn’t get led astray. Then—the hot steamy shit hit the fan and sprayed all over my face!
During the entire “shit spraying phase,” I kept shouting, “This is so fucking cool!” Even my wife, who absolutely hates horror movies, had to ran into the living room (without a sandwich and beer, I’m still working on that) and actually watched the rest of the movie. I really got to hand it to the writer/director team, Joss Whedon (Dollhouse) and Drew Goddard (Buffy the Vampire Slayer). They understand not only what makes an awesome monster, slasher flick, but also satirize the whole “not scary, scary movie” trend in a surprisingly intelligent and effective way. The standout performance by stoner guy, Franz Kranz, and his “blunt” weapon of choice was hilarious. And, oh, man, the motorcycle scene is sure to inspire plenty of pointing and laughing.
I hope Cabin in the Woods is a smash hit in DVD sales so that the other writers and directors can finally get the memo that we don’t need another Scream/Twilight piece of shit. Since when did “cool” become “uncool” or the other way around? This movie settles the question and writes it in stone, “cool is fucking cool,” and don’t let anyone tell you different. Rent this movie, invite some friends over, bust out the collapsible bong, and have a have a kick-ass movie night. I’m definitely looking forward to more imaginative horror flicks like this one.